


Stucky- Sparring

by CestNous



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Blackouts, F/M, First Kiss, Gen, Hand to Hand Combat, M/M, Memories, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Sparring, Stucky - Freeform, Super Soldier Serum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-09 07:04:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4338629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CestNous/pseuds/CestNous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a few weeks since the ending of CA:TWS and The Winter Soldier is slowly getting back to modern times with being on the right side of S.H.I.E.L.D.. With the help from Steve and Natasha, Bucky will work his way to becoming more than just an ex-HYDRA asset.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Comfort Zone

**Author's Note:**

> Still being beta'd by the wonderful Sweetnkindanerdy on tumblr

“Romanoff this isn’t a good idea,” I murmured while reluctantly being dragged out of the quiet apartment at 5 in the morning and into her black sports coupe. Something had gotten into her head that I needed to train with her. All week. Steve… He wasn’t around due to a mission and I’m thinking that it was planned for it to be like that. Steve knew I wasn’t ready. I could have sworn I told him so he could pass the message along, same with Natasha. 

“Buckle up, old man” she insisted playfully while revving the engine. I sat uncomfortably as she sped off, not waiting for me. The doors locked automatically as we drove on and out of the city, making my paranoia that much worse. 

“You enjoy this,” I held onto the door grip and stared at her. She shrugged and smirked at me, like this was some sort of joke. It wasn’t funny. 

I put my view on our surroundings, reading the few signs that we passed to try and get some notion of where we were headed this time. It’s been weeks after telling S.H.I.E.L.D. that I was willing to come in. To be questioned. Tested. Evaluated. Examined. Weeks since I showed up at Steve’s apartment door in Brooklyn.

“Barnes, stop being such a baby. You need to train and I’m not on any assignments. So you need to get out of that apartment, quit sulking and get motivated,” Natasha said while turning onto a dirt road. We had to be upstate, or north Jersey. I didn’t recognize where we were anymore.

“I’m not sulking. It’s called recuperating. All last week and the week before that I was poked and prodded by your buddies at S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters and it was hell,” she had no idea of the nightmares that they caused. Not that I was sleeping or not having the flashbacks that caused me to black out. No one knew of those and I planned on keeping it that way. 

She parked outside what seemed to be an abandoned warehouse surrounded by woods. I looked at her then at the building, slightly curious despite my panicking. 

“You and I are sparring today, Barnes. We’re away from society so there isn’t any reason for you to use that as an excuse,” Natasha stated. I got out and followed her into the building, feeling defeated already. 

I didn’t plan on fighting. Not now or anytime soon. What I had done was still too fresh in my memory. And the most recent mission… It was just too painful to grasp what I had done. Who I hurt…

Natasha dropped her bag and walked over to the center of the room and waited for me to follow. Basic scan of the room showed that it was as it seemed. Punching bags in the corner to be used, various gloves and boxing equipment near that station, too. Nothing seemed questionable.

“Front and center,” She said standing on a mat.

“I’m not doing this, Romanoff,” I attempted before getting stared down. This was going to be a long day.

Sighing, I walked over to where she stood. She seemed pleased that her staring did the trick in order to get me over to where she was. I was less than impressed and even more than unwilling to go on with all of this.

“Focus, Barnes. Come on,” She started, putting her arms up. I didn’t move a muscle as I kept my distance.

“It isn’t happening.”

“Look, I know it’s hard. I know you don’t want to remember what you’ve done. Or how you did it. But you need to learn to blend the Winter Soldier with Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes,” Natasha urged while moving closer and posing my arms like a doll. I watched her silently. “I know you wont go postal on me, or hurt me. Well unless it’s my own fault but that wouldn’t be your fault either way.”

I took a breath and gave a weak nod while adjusting my feet. She was right. If I wanted to work along side Steve on missions then I would need to get on with my issues. Needed to face what I have done. Not let them hold me back. Past is my past, not my present or future.

“Good, ready?” She said taking a step back and putting her arms back up. I gave another nod apprehensively, not really sure what my nerves would do to my voice at this point if I attempted to answer. “Good because I am not going to hold back,” Natasha said while throwing a punch at me. With ease I blocked. Then came jabs and none connected with my body. Her attack could be predicted, she was the aggressor, the antagonist. My plan of attack was the complete opposite. Not attack at all.

After a few kicks Natasha noticed what I was doing. I shoved her back by grabbing her leg and flipped her in the process. She moved swiftly, like a dancer. All those rumors of the Black Widow assassins seem to be true after all.

“You won’t be able to pass any physical test that S.H.I.E.L.D. throws at you with you acting like a robot, Barnes,” she shouted.

“I’m not ready,” she recoiled while I shouted harshly at her. 

“Because of the Asset? The Winter Soldier?” She lunged at me, leaving me no choice but to use force to stop her. In seconds she was face down on the mat beneath us. My hands twisting her wrists and arms so she couldn’t move in the moment.

“Yes, Romanoff. You’ve seen what I can do… What the Winter Soldier can do, I can’t let that happen,” she pushed and I moved away quickly, standing back up a few paces behind her. Standing up she adjusted and stared at me before looking around us and then back at us. 

“I know. But I can’t help if you wont let me in. Please, James, work with me here,” she said while stepping closer to me. I countered her steps; it could be a trap, a set up before she would attack. Seen countless of times by the people of HYDRA.

“No one can help me, Natasha,” I shook my head. 

Just as predicted she tried again to go after me. I moved a few seconds too slow and was knocked to my knees. 

“Wrong,” she circled. I watched her, having a slight amusing yet random thought of how she was truly a black widow while in a fight, going for the kill. “Wilson offered you join him with his group, for you to talk even if it’s one on one… I want to help, so does Steve.”

I shook my head. She still wasn’t getting it. 

“Come on,” she said grabbing my arm and pulling me onto my feet before dragging me over to the punching bags. Her tone was different this time. “I know you aren’t talking to Steve. So this is what’s going to happen. You will talk to me since you wont talk to anyone else. And while you talk to me you are going to hit the punching bag. Got it?”

It took a moment of my checking that it wasn’t a sort of trick before agreeing. She watched as I walked over to grab a glove for my right hand and readied for a conversation I wasn’t ready for either. But I needed to push. Needed to get it out of my head. Maybe then it would stop haunting me…

“I don’t think this will work. So many agents want to lock me up or experiment on me,” I threw a punch, “the latter being Stark and former being S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Natasha kept silent, waiting for more. I hit again, getting used to the force of the bag held still in front of me. I took a deep breath and swung again but I didn’t say anything. “Keep going, hit and talk. Tell me what else you’re thinking.”

I was thinking about everything.

“I… I hate that I’m like this…” Right Hook. Left jab.

“I hate my arm,” Left hook. 

“I’m a monster! I have nightmares of what I did… Of what I was assigned to do for HYDRA,” Heart rate was increasing, along with my anxiety and heart rate.

“I don’t trust myself. I can’t forgive myself.” 

I hit harder and harder, pushing Natasha as I hit the bag. I don’t remember when she stepped out of the way as I continued to take out my pent up issues on the punching bag. My eyes were locked onto the bag as it flew off the chains holding it up. My chest was heaving. 

“I wont forgive myself,” my stomach churned. 

Natasha was staring at me. I couldn’t place what her expression was. I shook my head before moving to another punching bag. I kept my eyes down and staring at the new bag in front of me. I just breathed as time passed.

“Don’t stop…” She said softly, moving to stand beside me and not behind the bag.

“I don’t deserve a second chance from anyone,” I swallowed hard and closed my eyes before letting my fists connect with the bag. 

“Yes you do…” she said.

“No,” I shook my head, hair fell in my face, “No I don’t. Not with S.H.I.E.L.D. and definitely not with Steve.” My hits were hard again. I had no control.

“I shouldn’t be alive. I’m too dangerous. A weapon-.”

“So am I. I’m a trained assassin who’s very dangerous. A threat to most everyone,” Natasha said while walking behind me. She was watching me move. How I was attacking the punching bag.

“It isn’t the same, Romanoff,” I growled and grabbed the swinging bag to stop it from moving. 

“No? I started before I was ten. I had to kill a man to graduate from the program I was in… Bucky, I know what it feels like to only know of getting orders and taking lives. But it’s better now,” Natasha said calmly. 

My head was throbbing. I wanted to stop all of this: the talking, the fighting; everything.

Natasha waited before saying anything. I wanted to go back to Brookyn and back to my room. I wanted to sleep and not have terrors that wake me up with horrible headaches that lead to blackouts that give me even more flashbacks. I wanted anything but to be hitting the punching bag in front of me.

“Lets call it a day, Buck. You did great,” She said, closer than before. I nodded feeling already raw and exposed. I didn’t complete the task that I was told to do. How was that a good thing?

Back in the car and driving back was all a blur. Natasha didn’t say much or drive crazy like how she was earlier this morning. My mind was blank. Or was I just numb and shut my brain off? I didn’t know. It was just extremely silent. 

“You know Steve trusts you,” she broke the silence. 

“You don’t know that,” I countered. She glanced at me before back to the road. 

“Yeah I do. I’ve been working with Steve and hanging out with him and I see how he gets when he talks about you. About before the serum, the way you guys were like. How he trusts you with his life, like back in the war. Bucky, Steve hasn’t changed his mind about you.”

I swallowed hard, keeping my eyes on the passing cars and buildings. We stopped at a light and she turned in her seat to look at me.

“I’m not saying that I know what you been through, or how you could be feeling. But, you aren’t alone anymore. Those fifty years that you missed out on, that you might remember or not remember, can be dealt with in a bunch of ways. But you don’t have to deal with it alone. If not with Steve, then with me. Even Sam has offered when you’re up for it that you can go to his meetings when you are in DC. We’re a team, and you’re part of the team now.”

The light changed from red to green and she went back to driving. I didn’t respond. I was getting more and more uncomfortable as she continued talking. I couldn’t be a part of their team. I was a killer. I was HYDRA. How could that be all that they wanted me to be?

I looked down at my hands and flexed both the flesh and the metal.

“When I was brainwashed… Or when my mind was wiped… if I slipped or made a mistake I was taken to a room and basically… tortured…” I whispered. “I was beaten and shocked until I responded how I was supposed to be programmed… If I didn’t then I was wiped and reprogrammed until I would submit. I can’t slip up with S.H.I.E.L.D. like I did then…” The car was parked as I said this and Natasha was stared a hole into my skull. 

“You wont be punished or tortured if you make a mistake with S.H.I.E.L.D., Bucky. S.H.I.E.L.D. isn’t like that,” she said taking the keys out of the ignition. 

I stared down at my hands. 

“What HYDRA did to you was beyond horrific. But that wont happen ever again to you. I know that as a fact,” she attempted to be reassuring. She was trying; I’ll give her that much, even if my brain was checked out of this conversation…

“When I showed up at Steve’s apartment… I was still fighting the programmed instincts that HYDRA drilled into my brain. I stood there at his apartment doorstep with a dislocated arm, other wounds that I didn’t tend to because I was fighting myself. Steve didn’t even skip a beat… Practically pulled me into his apartment. Then immediately helped clean me up. He stopped everything for me… He did all that when I couldn’t even remember my name. I was expecting a fight… Questions… I didn’t understand how I survived on the streets for three whole weeks after fighting him on the Helicarrier. I don’t remember much either.” Somehow I was word vomiting, but I wasn’t thinking.

Natasha went back to staring at me. 

“You said he trusts me… maybe he does… Because who would do that for someone who was sent on a mission to kill him?” I finally looked at her.

“Because he knows who you are,” was all she said to me. I unfastened my seatbelt and got ready to get out of the car. She waited, still watching me carefully. 

I got out of the car; I wasn’t waiting around for her to ask me any more questions. I wanted to be left alone now. Natasha came up behind me as we walked up the few flights of stairs to Steve’s apartment. I had lost track of how many times I had walked out in the middle of the night and down these stairs to try to stop the flashbacks. Or not wake up Steve with my shouting. 

Steve was apparently waiting for us cause the door swung quickly open as we got to the landing. I took one look at him before feeling nauseated and walking right past him.

“Going to shower,” I muttered

I heard Natasha greet Steve and start talking as I went into my room and grabbed clothes before heading into the bathroom. I needed peace and quiet. I needed sleep. 

Hot water and soap only went so far. No matter how many times I washed myself, scrubbed at my skin I wasn’t clean. I couldn’t clean the blood from my past. After hitting that punching back all I wanted was quiet, but once I had the water going, my brain was shouting at me. I couldn’t escape the pent up emotions. 

I sank to the bottom of the tub, the hot water crashing down on me. Too numb to care or move I pulled my knees to my chest as my head pounded, causing the room to spin.


	2. Former Training

“He’s had a rough morning,” Natasha said once Bucky closed the bathroom door. 

“What happened?” Steve asked, pouring two cups of coffee for the two of them. 

“I took him to The Warehouse so I could see where he was at with sparring and fighting. S.H.I.E.L.D. wanted me to scope him out, see where his head was. I thought that after so many weeks of being with you he’d be further than what I saw today,” the female assassin said and leaned against the counter while waiting for the coffee. 

“How bad was it?” Steve asked while pulling out milk and sugar.

“He wouldn’t hit back. Only blocked me. Completely avoided any type of offense. I got him on his knees at one point. Otherwise I was basically shadow sparring and that wasn’t working. He wouldn’t talk at first either,” she took the sugar and declined the dairy.

Steve finished making his own coffee and listened, frowning. They heard the water start for a shower down the hall in the bathroom. 

“He hasn’t really spoken here either. One or two word responses but nothing really substantial,” he sighed.

“That’s what I thought too. So, I pulled him to the punching bags and told him to hit and talk. Which was easier for him after he realized I wasn’t going to attack him while his back was turned.”

Steve nodded and listened about the sad state that his best friend was in.

“You’ll report what he said to headquarters?”

“The Warehouse has cameras and microphones so I don’t have to. But there was a bit of him talking on the car ride home that I’ll have to write down to hand in. He’s really not ready for a serious evaluation yet,” she said between sipping and blowing on her drink. Again Steve nodded.

“You’ll take him out again to try to get him to talk again?”

“I’ll wait and see how he is this week and maybe keep it for once a week ‘til he’s a bit better and stable. Then make it for more than once a week,” she said.

“I’ll keep an eye on him and keep you updated as the week goes on. You’re welcome to come visit anytime too, to hang out, Nat,” he said, putting his mug down. Natasha nodded and finished her coffee before putting it in the sink.

“I’ll see what I can do,” was all she said before patting him on the back and walking out of the apartment. 

Steve sighed as he stood in the kitchen alone, his mind racing. His best friend wasn’t okay, which he already knew because he heard him talk in his sleep, or yell or cry, depending on the night. Steve also heard him leave when he thought that his nightmares were too much and could wake the other. Steve couldn’t always make out what Bucky was saying, whether the wall muffled the sound or it was in a different language, but he knew what he was dreaming of. 

Unable to finish his coffee and the average time of a shower had passed; Steve checked his watch and walked out of the kitchen. Something wasn’t right. He walked down to the bathroom and knocked on the door.

“Buck, you alright in there?” No reply. 

The window is too small for him to get out of so he didn’t leave. Steve didn’t hear any movement under the running water either so that further worried him. 

“Bucky? I’m going to come in if you don’t answer,” he tried again, still, no response. 

Closing his eyes, Steve hoped the door wasn’t locked as he went to turn the doorknob. Thankfully, it was unlocked.

Walking into the bathroom, steam escaped once the door opened. Still, Steve didn’t hear any movements from behind the curtain. Steve took his cellphone out from his pocket and put it on the sink in case he got wet for whatever reason, then without any hesitation, he moved some of the shower curtain to see if Bucky was actually in the shower.

“Buck?” Steve softly said as his eyes traveled from where an actual person’s face would be to where Bucky was, which was located on the tub floor. Hot water poured down on him, making his skin bright red and his left metallic arm to start to heat up. Steve hesitated before turning off the water and kneeling down to be eye level with the brunette. 

“Hey pal, how long were you going to stay under that hot water?” he asked. 

Bucky kept his head down, completely out of it. Moving slightly, Steve grabbed a few towels and wrapping one around his shoulders then to help him up. Steve did his best to not look anywhere but Bucky’s face, his own cheeks flushing pink, as he helped him get onto his feet and wrapping another towel around Bucky’s waist. 

Bucky never responded to Steve as he was moved carefully and slowly to sit down on the toilet. Steve began to dry the brunette’s hair while waiting for Bucky to come back to reality. After about five minutes, Bucky began to move and then look up at Steve who was still blushing faintly.

“I’m sorry…” He whispered. 

“Hey no worries. Just got worried about you being so long in here,” Steve said with a soft smile. Bucky kept his head down and pulled the towel around his shoulders a bit tighter around him.

“I didn’t realize how long I was in there…”

“No big deal, Buck. You okay to get dressed?” Steve asked taking a step away to give Bucky some room. He just nodded. Steve backed out of the small bathroom to leave his friend change with some privacy and wait until Bucky came out, ignoring why he got embarrassed while helping his friend. That was something to think about at another time…

__________________________________________________________

 

“What is your name?” a gruff voice demanded. No reply came. Seconds later a backhand to the face connected with a clammy cheek.

“Let’s try this again. What is your name?” The voice was male, getting louder in volume. Aggravated. Brokenly, the man strapped to the chair responded.

“The Winter Soldier,” he whispered distantly.

The gruff man waved over his shoulder and six figures moved, walking over to the man in the chair and began scanning and surveying the Winter Soldier. Empty blue eyes stared at the floor as he was pricked and prodded with needles while lights flashed in his eyes. As this happened, the man who slapped the Winter Soldier moved away and spoke with a few guards on the other side of the room. The guards were fully armed, fingers near their guns’ triggers incase the restrained soldier broke free. 

“He’s ready sir,” came one of the doctor-like men in white. They all stepped away as the man in charge walked away from the guards and back to the man in the chair. 

“Is he compliant enough to be unstrapped?” he questioned. The man nodded. A gesture later, the six men began to remove the restraints and moved the chair to a fully upright position. The Winter Solider kept still, in a haze. The man grabbed a stool and sat in front of the soldier, watching his face and movements carefully.

“Do you remember who I am?” he asked.

“No,” came the slow reply.

“Take a moment, think,” he prompted again. The Winter Soldier looked blankly at the man in charge before blinking.

“You’re my handler,” he said after a moment.

“Very good. Now, think a little harder, what is my name?”

The soldier blinked again, “I don’t remember.”

The man sighed and moved the bench, causing a minuscule flinch from the Winter Soldier. 

“My name is Alexander Pierce. I am one of a select few who are your handlers. I am also the man in charge right now of your missions assigned to you by HYDRA,” Pierce said slowly, condescendingly, standing up and walking around the room. The man in the chair remained still, eyes faintly following Pierce move. 

Pierce walked back to where the guards and pseudo-doctors stood and gestured to the other side of the room, “Let’s see if his physical reprogramming is still intact.” He walked out of the room and the guards moved in to put arm restraints and a muzzle on the still passive soldier before he was led out of the one sterile room and into another that would muffle any screaming heard.


	3. Round Two

“Buck, you in there?” I heard Steve call out distantly. Not physically… I stood in front of him in the bathroom, he stood a few feet away, his cheeks red. Holding my head I blinked before looking down and saw I dressed in my sweats and a t-shirt. How did I get dressed? Did Steve…?

“Yeah, sorry,” I walked out of the bathroom past him and into my room. I must have blacked out and Steve dressed me… That’s why his cheeks were flushed. Why was he embarrassed? 

Steve followed but stayed near the doorway, unsure.

“Steve?”

“Yeah pal?” He answered lightly. I looked at him, into his eyes before talking. Those baby blues were always a showstopper…

“How did I get dressed?” I asked, sitting down on my bed.

“Well I was waiting for you to let me know when you were done but you didn’t, so I came back in. You were… I’m not sure how to describe it,” he said slowly as I rubbed my face, hair still damp.

“I blacked out. It happens… happens usually while I'm trying to get to sleep sleep so I deal with bad headaches when I wake up,” I said looking away from him. I didn’t want to see his eyes have pity for me.

“I got you dressed, to answer your question… You weren’t okay so I thought that was the best thing to do,” he said after an awkward silence. I nodded but kept my gaze down. 

My own cheeks were getting hot now. Damn. I know we had our past but I wasn’t expecting to be so exposed… 

“T-thank you,” I said looking for my zip-up hoodie to cover my arm. 

“No problem, Buck. Didn’t mind any,” I saw him nod from the corner of my eye. I looked at him and he tried to smile at me, something was missing. It wasn’t in his eyes… Those bright blues…

“I’m going to order Italian for dinner, should I order some for you? You did work out today so you should replace what you burned off… Not that you had much to burn off…” he trailed off when I looked down again. I nodded.

“I’m not sure what I like…” I mean I was starved with HYDRA; all food seems too strong for my taste buds.

“I’ll get what I know you liked and you can try it out. Okay?” He suggested; again I nodded. He walked out my room to leave me to myself while food was ordered and delivered. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Come on Bucky, quit hoggin’ the hot water!” Steve yelled into the stalls of the bathroom after waiting an inefficient amount of time outside for his turn. With a laugh that could have passed for a cackle, Bucky rinsed beneath the water then turned the shower off.

“What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the relaxing sound of hot steamy water pouring over me,” he laughed and emerged from the stall with only a towel around his waist. Steve rolled his eyes and crossed his arms at his friend. Bucky flashed a grin at the blond before moving over to his clothes on the skin, Steve moving around him to ready his own shower.

“We have a hot water limit, let alone a water cap for daily use in this camp. You can’t go using everyone’s rations,” he chided.

Bucky rolled his eyes and went about getting dressed. 

“There are ways to conserve the water use, Stevie,” he suggested as the water turned on again. 

“Not my point, Bucky. You’re just lucky that we were the last to shower from the team, and even more lucky that I take a quick shower at that,” he went on. Bucky moved to the small mirror to shave once fully dressed.

The other Commandoes were either on watch, bullshitting around the fire or asleep for the next watch when the time came. The camp they were crashing at was on the way to another camp that was going to be telegrammed. Before Bucky finished his shave, the water stopped and out came the super soldier in his towel. Bucky watched him in the reflection silently until Steve actually noticed.

“You’re still here?”

“Yeah I shaved. Problem?” he countered playfully, finishing the removal of his stubble and wiping his face off. 

“Why would there be a problem, Buck?” Steve said turning away from the brunette, his voice sounding a bit nervous. Bucky moved further away to hang up the towel he used then stood against the wall to wait for Steve to finish.

“Did you want me to leave?”

“Well I guess not. I didn’t ask you to leave or anything like that,” Steve said, pulling on his clothes quickly as he was being watched. 

“Embarrassed that I coulda seen your butt like I did back home?” Bucky teased further while playing with his damp hair now. Steve was bright pink on any part of his body from the suggestions that his best friend was conjuring up.

“Bucky…” Steve said with an awkward laugh. 

Bucky grinned and winked at the other man, enjoying how easily Steve could blush.

“No one will come in here for a while. Nothin’ to be ashamed of, Stevie…” 

“No… Look, Bucky, you cant go around sayin’ things like that. It isn’t like that,” he said to Bucky once he turned to look at him, the uniform back on, all parts in their perfect place. Bucky couldn’t help but give him a once over after hearing Steve talk.

“Why not?” His eyebrows furrowed and cocked his head.

“Cause if anyone hears they could get the wrong idea,” Steve said again and easily fixed his wet hair. “If anyone hears they could report both of us and it wont be anything but trouble. And I don’t want either of us in trouble when we have the mission to complete.”

Bucky pushed off the wall and walked closer to Steve, chest puffed out before moving to pass him. 

“What idea is that?”

“Look, it isn’t back home so just don’t say that stuff anymore. Got it?” Steve grabbed Bucky’s arm so he looked in his eyes. Bucky stared back at him.

“Sure thing, Cap. Wouldn’t want to do anything to ruin the mission,” Bucky scoffed, entire body rigid, tone cold, no longer teasing.

“Buck…” Steve said with a defeated sigh.

“No, Steve,” he shook his head and knocked Steve’s hand off him. “You know I wouldn’t be so stupid to jeopardize what you have to do. What WE all have to do. I ain’t bragging of what we had back home… No one knows, too, so you can stop worrying about it… And, I know ya got Agent Carter now anyways. Don’t give me that look, I know she’s waiting for you, Stevie, I ain’t blind. So I won’t say a damn thing. I’ll be a good solider, that’s what you wanted right?” Bucky shouted, his voice filling up the bathroom. Steve stared at him and his outburst.

“I’ll leave you alone, Captain, so you don’t have to worry if the guys are thinking bad or getting the wrong idea. I’ll see you in the morning,” he said before walking out of the room to leave Steve in silence. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The following week after Natasha took Bucky to the warehouse to spar, she decided that it would be a weekly occurrence. He was dragged out of the apartment, out of Brooklyn, into Natasha’s car and out of harms way for the safety of the people. Bucky still was not pleased with how Steve was never around when she snagged him but did not fight to go with her.

“Same as before, Barnes. Either spar with me or hit the bag. Either way, you’re talking again,” she ordered while prepping the two areas for whichever Bucky decided on doing. He stared at her with exhaustion in his eyes, only managing five hours of sleep from the entire week, the rest of the nights filled with flashbacks and nightmares. Dark circles were quite predominant under Bucky’s eyes for the world to see if only they looked.

Bucky decided to give in to her and walked over to the sparring mat and stood there silently. 

“Ready Barnes?” she questioned while raising her arms to strike. He nodded, not wanting to be there and wanting more than anything to sleep without any flashbacks or nightmares. But there wasn’t a way for that to happen. He was moody and irate.

Without any warning, she leapt into action. Luckily he was already on edge and saw her attack coming. Bucky grabbed her arms and pushed her right into the mat in one swift move. 

“Finally, Barnes!” She said pushing off the mat and circled him. From behind she went to jump on his back, but he pulled her forward over his shoulder and back down on the mat. Natasha let out a grunt as she connected with the floor, the wind briefly leaving her. The takedown left Natasha with a grin on her lips. Now it was Bucky’s turn to circle and watch her every move but still only was using defensive movements. 

Half an hour passed between the seesaw of offense and defense attacking between the two agents before Natasha’s phone buzzed, calling for a break. She shot off a few texts as Bucky just sat and waited, drinking from his water bottle. 

“What’s on your mind right now, Barnes?” she asked while sitting down next to him. He gave no response. Taking a swig of her own water she had an idea that could help with getting the asset to talk to her a bit more freely. 

“Что у тебя на уме?'' She tried again in Russian, watching Bucky closely to see if anything registered. A few seconds passed before he looked at her, fully aware of what she said to him.

''I remember almost everything now,'' was all he said before standing back up, walking back infront of the punching bags and began to slam his fists against them. Natasha sent off a few more text messages before quickly going back to where she stood before. 

Natasha waited a few moments before asking the group of questions that S.H.I.E.L.D. had assigned to her to ask the Asset while they were in The Warehouse. 

" _Will you tell me what you remember?_ " She asked again in her fluent Russian, highly curious as to why it was easier for the man before her to speak in her native tongue than his own. Did this have to do with what HYDRA did to him and all of his brainwashing, she thought.

Her question was ignored as Bucky continued to hit and punch, taking out the internalized aggression on the hanging objects. 

" _You can't keep it all in,_ " she pushed again. Bucky briefly stopped his jabs to look at the redhead.

" _There's too much to say._ "

Natasha nodded, knowing this at least. The hits to the bag resumed.

" _Alright then, let's change topics to something a bit lighter than The Winter Soldier,_ she offered as he stopped punching again to stare hard at her, attempting to figure out her tactic.

" _Do you honestly care or is this what your bosses want you to ask me?_ he snapped annoyed. Natasha noticed how his emotions were closer to the surface now than compared to the week prior.

"Well both. My bosses want to see and know all that you remember. There there's me, who is hoping that you will see me as a friend. Because sometimes you need one of those too," she smiled gently. 

"No games?" he asked, not realizing when they switched back to speaking English. Natasha shook her head and walked closer to him.

Bucky took a deep breath before moving to sit down on the mat where they stood. Natasha followed and sat in front of him.

"You wanted something that doesn't involve the Asset?" he asked, receiving another nod. "Well, there's growing up, school, small odd-jobs in Brooklyn," he through out a few topics that were easy to talk about.

“What’s your best, happiest, strongest memory before the war?” she asked.


	4. A Change In Tactics

“My best memories all involve Steve.” I admitted.

“That’s fine by me, he’s a great guy,” Natasha smiled.

“Well… This was back when Steve and I were teenagers. I had a small job as a grocery bagger at a supermarket and wanted to save up money so I could get Steve something nice for his birthday. Cause he worked so hard to be healthy and take care of his mom’s medical bills then his own medical bills to spend anything on a treat for himself,” I started, taking a deep breath, my eyes focused on the mat beneath us as I spoke.

“His birthday was comin’ in hot so I had to go out and get his gift before my shift at work started.”

“When’s his birthday?” she asked me. 

“July fourth,” I chuckled softly.

“Of course Captain America’s birthday is the country’s independence day. I should have seen that coming,” Natasha laughed then gestured for me to continue.

“Well, I managed to get him a few more things than what I planned, like a pack of cupcakes that his favorite bakery made for him. They were angel food with a strawberry icing that he loved but never could buy so of course I had to get him some of those. It was his birthday so he deserved anything and everything. The day of his birthday, I played it off like I had forgotten what day it was. Saying I had to work and that I wouldn’t be able to see him ‘til the following day. His face was so stoic, because Steve never spoke about his birthday because he didn’t like the fuss. He wasn’t too taken on the whole birthday idea as a whole too. Anyways, after he got thought I had completely forgotten about the fourth, he went and did his newspaper route at dawn of his birthday. Meanwhile, I had snuck into his apartment to decorate and had the cupcakes on the kitchen table and some other food in his pantry that he needed before he got back. Once I heard the key in the door I readied myself for a priceless reaction.” I couldn’t help but smile as I talked more. “His smile only grew once he saw the balloons and banner hanging, it was so perfect. He was perfect.” 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Bucky what is all this? You said-“ Stevie began, taking off his ball cap and kicking off his secondhand sneakers.

“It’s for your birthday! Did you forget about it too?” the taller teen asked while laughing and pulling the much smaller blond into a hug.

“Buck let go, I feel gross. I need a shower,” Stevie said against Bucky’s chest before being released.

“Well go on and shower before I decide to take one too,” he grinned and Stevie rolled his eyes. “Go on, I have the day planned to the hour for your birthday celebrations!”

Stevie just rolled his eyes with a bright smile on his lips then walked to his room then the bathroom to wash up while Bucky waited. Bucky couldn’t sit still while he waited, and his stomach kept fluttering as he thought of what he had planned. In all actuality, Bucky had been planning his best friends seventeenth birthday since he got the job and had spare money to save. He knew Stevie needed this and he was more than happy to provide for the other.

Ten minutes passed and Stevie emerged clean and dressed in a pressed, short-sleeved button up and a pair of too big khaki shorts. Bucky smiled at the teen as he sat beside him to put his shoes back on.

“So, what’s the plan? What will we be doing today?” he asked excitedly.

Bucky gave him a once over, still smiling then leaning back on the couch. “Well, if I tell you then it wouldn’t be a surprise, now would it?” Bucky asked.

“Yeah I guess not. I’m starving though,” Stevie managed to say just as his stomach growled loudly. 

“Then let’s go fix that before your stomach decides to eat something else for it’s meal,” the brunette laughed then got up, pulling the other teen off the couch and nearly out the door in seconds.

The two walked out of Stevie’s apartment and down the block before Bucky was asked yet again where they were going and what they were doing for the day.

“Breakfast, punk,” Bucky said and pulled them into a small hole in the wall diner. They sat down in a booth for two, ordered silver dollar pancakes with whipped cream and fresh fruit on top to share. Bucky got Stevie a chocolate milkshake despite the protesting of the blond.

“I’m not gunna be able to finish, Buck,” he said half way done with his shake. Bucky shook his head and drank his orange juice.

“Not an option, Stevie. You gave me the last pancake, you should have room to finish that shake,” he urged and pushed the tin cup closer to the blond.

“I make no promises,” Stevie sighed before going back to take a few more sips of the cold, chocolaty drink. Bucky grinned then checked the time and pulled out his wallet to pay for their breakfast at the counter. When Bucky got back to the booth, the chocolate shake was nearly finished, pushed away and a quite full Stevie looked up at him.

“Ready whenever you are, birthday boy,” Bucky smiled and stared into the baby blue eyes of his best friend. He always managed to get lost in the spark that he found there. So much hope and stubbornness in those blue eyes, and Bucky loved it.

“I think I need to walk off this food, I feel so heavy,” he said sliding out of the booth. Bucky shook his head.

“Sure thing, I have just the place,” Bucky grinned and wrapped his arm around the shorter teens’ shoulder and walked out of the diner and into the city heat, even in the morning hours. The two walked around and landed in Prospect Park. Bucky knew that Stevie hadn’t been to the park in a few years and he knew that it was a good time as any to bring the birthday boy himself there.

They walked around, looking in the zoo and going through the boathouse. The small blond was having the time of his life, the smile never leaving his features as the two walked and explored until late afternoon. The thought of food crept back into the conversation as they walked out of the park and headed to the next location where Bucky had planned on bringing his best friend.

“Bucky where are we going now? I’m hungry,” Stevie said while wiping the sweat off his brow. The summer heat was very strong on this Fourth of July. 

“You know where we’re going, look around,” Bucky said as they stood at the nearest bus stop that he planned to go right where he had planned.

“You know I don’t like surprises, Buck, come on,” Stevie tried again to get the location out of his friend. He looked at Bucky and smiled hopefully, knowing that he could get whatever he wanted with a pout.

“Coney Island, you punk. We’ll have lunch there, go on a few rides then head home,” Bucky said as the bus pulled up and they got on. Stevie already telling Bucky that he would not go on the Cyclone no matter what and Bucky only laughed.

The two went to the theme park and did as Bucky said, eating both lunch and dinner at Coney Island. As the day passed they slowly made their way back to the apartment, laughing and talking about past birthdays and how crazy people can get on Independence Day.

“So now we have a few things left of your birthday,” Bucky said as they dragged themselves into Stevie’s apartment.

“Yeah? What’s that?” 

“Well, presents and then singing Happy Birthday before we head to the roof to watch the fireworks,” Bucky explained. 

The two kicked off their shoes and trudged into the kitchen where the cupcake sat.

“Sounds great…” Stevie started before stopping and staring at the cupcakes. 

“You okay, Stevie?” Bucky asked walking past him and siting at the table. Stevie walked over and picked up the box of cupcakes and looked at the brunette.

“Are these from down the street?” 

“From Mama’s Bakery? Yep! I wanted the best for you on your birthday, pal,” Bucky said with a grin. Stevie opened the box and looked at the four perfectly decorated cupcakes then taking out two.

“Thank you, Buck. These musta cost a pretty penny,” Stevie said, still staring at the desserts. Bucky shrugged and got up to get his last gifts to give to Stevie. The smaller teen sat and waited, still taken by the cupcakes, nearly eating one while waiting. 

“Okay, close your eyes, and no peeking,” Bucky said, walking back into the kitchen holding a dark blue gift bag. The smaller teen closed his eyes and covered them with his hands for good measure. Bucky walked in and set the bag in front of the birthday boy.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Natasha sat wide-eyed and clinging to every word that Bucky was saying as he came to finish his memory. As he came to a silent end she made a face.

“What?” he asked.

“That’s it?" "

Bucky smiled and nodded.

What did you get him? How was the rest of your night?”

“Yeah, he loved the entire day. The kid was smiling for the rest of the week with all that we did on his birthday, even though he was pretty exhausted the following days after,” Bucky said, getting off the mat and walking to the center of the sparring ring.

“What did you get him?” Natasha asked and followed.

“I got him a leather bound sketch book with drawing pens and pencils to sketch with. He drew all the time, before and during the war it turned out. I’m glad I got it for him then,” Bucky said with a soft smile, rare and sincere. Natasha looked at the man in front of her and smiled before putting her arms up. She knew Captain America was rumored to know how to draw, but never has asked about it, so hearing it from his best friend confirmed it. 

The two sparred a bit more before ending their session on a much better note than the week before. Bucky continued to think about the memory he shared instead of clinging on the negative. It was a new feeling, but he welcomed the change.


	5. A Break In Routine

Bucky’s cell phone rang, something that never happened unless it was from Steve, who was sitting across from him in the kitchen. ‘Natasha Romanoff’ was what the caller ID said before Bucky accepted the call and put the phone to his ear. 

“Barnes, I’m going to have to cancel our sparring session on Monday. I’m being shipped out tonight,” Natasha said over the call. It was a Saturday night in the middle of dinner while Steve looked at Bucky curiously while he carried on eating their dinner.

“Oh, okay,” he said into the cell phone dully, “No it’s fine, see you when you’re back in town,” he said before ending the phone call.

“What was that about? Everything alright?” Steve asked after swallowing a bite of his deep-dish pizza. Bucky shrugged then looked at his food.

“Romanoff is going on a mission tonight so she wont be able to spar on Monday with me at The Warehouse.”

Steve nodded and put his pizza down and sat up, “that could be a good thing, Buck. You’ve got the time to enjoy and not need to worry about what you’ll talk about once you get there. I’m not doing anything, maybe we could do something together?” he suggested, a bit of hope in his voice. 

Since the last session with the female assassin, Bucky has been more himself than before, and Steve was beyond thankful. He even texted her telling her of how well Bucky was doing and Steve never texted. Given, Bucky still wasn’t sleeping without having nightmares, but there were very few blackouts now, he was eating two meals a day steadily, and he was talking more and more like himself. Steve was enjoying having his best friend back instead of The Winter Soldier. 

Bucky took a bite of his pizza then looked at Steve, contemplating his offer.

“What would you suggest?” he asked after swallowing. A smile grew on the other mans’ face.

“We could go to a movie, or just walk around, maybe shop? We could take the train somewhere or my bike. The possibilities are endless, really,” Steve offered. He had scheduled meetings and strategizing all week except Monday, so he wanted to spend some time with his best friend. 

“Okay,” Bucky nodded, offering a small smile in return once he saw that light in Steves’ baby blues spark. A genuine smile that went all the way to his eyes was something he hadn’t seen in years, especially when it involved himself. It was a nice change.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Come on, Buck, wake up, I have things planned for us today,” Steve called through my door after knocking on it loudly. It was only two hours ago that I had managed to doze off and now it was eight in the morning and I have to pull myself out of bed.

“Bucky?” He called out through the door. I sat up and stretched, groaning as everything was healed while kicking off my blankets. 

“Yeah?” I said but the door opened at the same time.

Steve walked into my semi-lit room to see me in just my boxers before stopping all movement. His eyes locked with mine as he blushed, I watched those baby blues stare me down. Every inch of me got chills and I enjoyed it.

“Oh you’re awake,” he managed to say a bit sheepishly while still holding the doorknob. I nodded not knowing what else to say. 

“What’s the matter, Rogers?” I said quickly without thinking. Something switching ‘ON’ in my brain it seemed like the right thing to say at that moment. Steve’s cheeks darkened as his name left my lips. I pushed myself off the bed and walked toward him.

His eyes dropped from mine and gave me another once over. I smirked, feeling much more like how I was before the war. Something I didn’t expect to feel like ever again.

“Nothing is wrong, Buck. Didn’t realize you still slept like how you used to…” Steve licked his lips. Not so subtle, Stevie. I gave him another nod before standing still right in front of him with only a few inches between us. 

“So there isn’t a problem then?” I asked while invading his personal space, looking him right in the eyes. He had an inch on me now, now that we were standing still and not sitting or driving anywhere. My mind was very clear as to what I wanted to do, and it seemed to be a mutual feeling. 

“Not that I know of…” he said.

“Well, if there isn’t anything to talk about, I’ll go shower so we can get on with whatever you have planned with for today,” I said closer than I should have, feeling my lips brush against his before walking away and heading to the bathroom to get ready for the day. I turned the taps on to get the water going and slid out of my boxers, silently hoping that the door would open and The Star Spangled Man would walk through. 

Five minutes passed before I stepped into the hot water. Steam was filling up the bathroom as I began to lather up when the click of the door was heard faintly over the shower. I couldn't help but grin before I stepped under the hot water to rinse off when I felt the curtain move and close behind me. 

“I don’t want you to stay in here too long,” Steve said behind me. 

I turned around speechless, staring at the perfect man in the same shower as I stood in. It was so long ago that we were in the same situation as before, hot water hitting my back and steam filling up the bathroom, and he was still just as perfect as those dark and secretive nights back before the war was won. 

“Then it’s a good thing you joined me,” I said thickly before swallowing, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat.

“We’ll see about that,” he said before pulling me closer by the neck and slamming his lips against mine. It was the Fourth of July all over again. Fireworks erupting from the very pit of my stomach as I kissed back. My mind went silent, no thoughts of nightmares or HYDRA trying to get me ever again. My mind was lost in this moment. The wet, steamy body pressed against mine, the kiss getting deeper and deeper before hands began to roam and get more daring. Both parties much more sure of themselves too.

I don’t remember when the water was shut off. Or when we left the bathroom. But we never made it out of the apartment. Steve and I took the time to reminisce and enjoy one another in a way neither of us knew we wanted so damn bad. Recovery was possible as time passed, and I now know things that I didn’t back then, and the one thing I've known all along hasn’t changed either, that Steve will never give up on me. After all this time, I finally believe him, with every touch and kiss, that he was always telling the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading. I apologize if there were any mistakes. I did my best with revising and editing with the help of my beta. First time fully writing out some sexiness too so if it was alright drop a comment or a kudo. Again thank you for reading!  
> -  
> CestNous


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